Part 3
Understanding roadblocks and High-Risk Responses.
People
Skills/ Dr. Robert Bolton
At first glance, some of these barriers seem quite
innocent. Praise, reassurance, logical
responses, questions, and well-intentioned advice are often thought of as positive
factors in interpersonal relations. Why,
then, do behavioral scientists think of these twelve types of responses as
potentially damaging to communication?
High-risk responses have a tendency to send a message of judgment,
problem solving and avoidance. Which in
turn becomes the roadblock of communication?
Let’s explore why.
1. Criticizing
2. Name Calling
3. Diagnosing
4. Praising
Evaluatively
5. Ordering
6. Threatening
7. Moralizing
8.
Excessive/Inappropriate Questioning
9. Advising
10. Diverting
11. Logical Argument
12. Reassuring.
Criticizing: Making a negative evaluation of the other
person, or attitudes. “You brought it on
yourself- you have nobody else to blame for the mess you are in.”
This is one of the judgmental roadblocks. Many feel they ought to be critical or people
will never improve. Parents, teachers,
supervisors. Meanwhile, it is worth
observing our interactions with others to see how frequently we are
critical. For some people criticism has
become a way of life.
Name-Calling and
Labeling: This behavior usually has negative overtones
to both the sender and receiver.
Labeling prevents you from getting to know others as individuals: there is no longer a person before us-only a
type.
Labels and classifications make it appear that we know the
other, when actually we have caught the shadow and not the substance. Labeling ourselves and others replaces human
meaning and unique feelings and growing life within and between persons.
Diagnosing: This
form of behavior has plagued mankind through the centuries. Some people, instead of listening to the
substance of what a person is saying, play emotional detective, probing for
hidden motives, psychological complexes, and the like.
Maybe you have found, that communication tends to be
thwarted when one person informs another that she/he is being defensive, or
self-deceiving, or that she/he is acting out of guilt or fear or some other unconscious
motive or “complex.”
Praising
Evaluatively There is a common belief that all honest praise is
helpful, not so. Many people in authority,
parents, teachers, managers, and others endorse praise without
reservation. Praise is suppose to build
confidence, increase security, stimulate initiative, motivate learning,
generate good will and improves human relations. Thus, at first sight, praise seems to be an
unlikely candidate to qualify as a roadblock.
However, positive evaluations often have negative results.
Praise is often used
as a gimmick to try to get people to change their behavior. When someone with ulterior purposes offers
praise, there is often resentment, not only of the effort to control, but also
of the manipulativeness experience. Even
when it is not used manipulatively, praise often has detrimental effects.
Ordering: An order is a solution sent
coercively and backed by force. When coercion
is used, people often become resistant and resentful. Sabotage may result. On the other hand, people who are constantly
given orders may become very compliant and submissive. Orders imply that the other’s judgment is
unsound and thus tent to undermine self-esteem.
Threatening: A threat is a solution that is sent
with an emphasis on punishment that will be forthcoming if the solution is not
implemented. Threats produce the same
kind of negative results that are produced by orders.
Moralizing: Many people love to put a halo around
their solutions for others. They attempt
to back their ideas with the force of social, moral or theological authority. Moralizing speaks with “shoulds” and “ought’s”
but it chooses other wordings, too. “It’s
the right things to do.” “You don’t
visit me enough.” “Shoulds” are often
implied, even when they are not stated directly.
Excessive or
Inappropriate Questioning: Some
kinds of question have their place in communication. However, questions can be real conversation-stoppers. A large percentage of the population is
addicted to questioning. While there are
constructive ways of asking occasional questions, extensive questioning,
usually derails a conversation. A
question can be a poor substitute for more direct communication.
Advising: This is another of the most commonly
used of the roadblocks. At its worst, it
represents an “interfere-iority complex.”
The advice-giving trap is a rather constant temptation for most
people.
Advice is often a basic insult to the God given ability to
think for oneself. It implies a lack of
confidence in the capacity of the person with the problem to understand and
cope with his or her own difficulties. As
Norman Kagan puts it, “In essence, we implicitly say to someone, “You have been
making a “big deal” out of a problem whose solution is immediately apparent to
me, how stupid you are!”
Another problem with
advice is that the advisor seldom understands the full implications of the
problem. When people share their concerns
with us, they often display on the “tip of the iceberg.” The advisor is unaware of the complexities,
feelings, and the many other factors that lie hidden beneath the surface.
Diverting: One of the most frequent ways of switching
a conversation from the other person’s concerns to your own topic is called “diverting.” The phrase “Speaking of….” often signals the beginning of a
diversion. Much of what passes for
conversation is really little more than a series of diversions.
Sometimes people
divert a conversation because they lack the awareness and the skills to listen
effectively. Sometime they are grabbing
the focus of attention for themselves.
Other times people divert become they are uncomfortable with the topic.
Logical Argument: Logic has many important functions. When another person is under stress, however,
or when there is conflict between people, providing logical solutions can be
infuriating. Though it may seem that
those are the very times we most need logic, it nevertheless has a high risk of
alienation the other person.
One of the main
problems with the logic in situations of personal or interpersonal stress is
that it keeps others at an emotional distance.
Logic focuses on facts and typically avoids feelings. When persons use logic to avoid emotional involvement,
they are withdrawing from another at a most important moment.
Reassuring: This can seem like away to comfort
another person while actually doing the opposite. The word comfort comes from the two Latin
words, con and fortis. The combination
literally means, “strengthened by being with.”
Reassurance does not allow the comforter to really be with the
other. It can be a form of emotional
withdrawal. Reassurance is often used by
people who like the idea of being helpful but who do not want to experience the
emotional demand that goes with it.
Thank you Dr. Bolton for your wonderful writings that have
helped many people throughout this world learns to be better communicators so
that we can grow in our communities with confidence and understanding.
If you or someone you know struggles with this area please
feel free to pass along my information.
I am a passionate life coach who loves to help people confidently
learn to lead themselves and others into healthy community through listening
well, asking good questions and learning to pause with intention.
Coach Cris
“Empowering Personal Leadership”
Crisnole@hotmail.com
