To be fully loved we have to be willing to be fully known. I embraced this life lesson for the very first time six years ago today. Bittersweet emotions fill my heart as I take a walk down memory lane. At first glance it seems as though lose was the theme to my life and brokenness was the title of each passing chapter. As an individual I had to come to the end of myself it was there where I found a new start to life.
Face to face with my demons and my deepest darkest secrets, that is what got me a round trip ticket out of state. Was being fully known worth being fully broken? Was being fully loved worth feeling fully and completely done with myself? If I had been asked six years ago in the moment of my brokenness, I am not sure how I might have answered such a question. However, today, I would have to say without a doubt, yes!
Sitting in a pile of denial, weaving my way out of my darkness and reaching out to my creator is exactly what helped me step out of the dungeon that I had created for myself and into the light. Fearful of being fully known and fully rejected had kept my secrets locked up for over thirty years.
My husband had spent a decade himself in denial, covering up for me the messes I had left behind and the trail of dysfunction that resulted in most relationships I had touched. My young children had only known me under the influence and the abnormal was their normal.
As I spoke the truth that night six years ago, exposing my greatest weakness at the time, I could feel the weight of the secret coming off me. I was skin and bones weighing just under 90 lbs and hooked on 120 pills a day. I had tried to quit more times then I could remember but the addiction had a death grip on my life and it would not let go.
The power that finally broke the grip was exposing the truth of my addiction. I had nothing else to lose that night. I came to an understanding with myself and with my maker. I sat completely broken my heart shattered in a million pieces and my life in total chaos. I realized that I did not want to die, but I did not know how to live. I was tired of all the secrets, all the lies and deception just to feed my habits, the addictions and the hurts that were piled high from years of not dealing with them. If there was a substance that could be abused, from a pill, to a bottle from food to my body, I had done it. My mentality was if a little was good then more must be better.
I had hungered to be fully loved and completely wanted my whole life. But it wasn’t until I was willing to be fully known and completely real about who I was and what I had done, it was at that moment that I realized that I had believed a lie most of my life. “If they only new.” Four powerful words that kept me from fully exposing who I was, kept me from flying in the freedom we feel when we allow ourselves to be fully loved.
Today I am committed to being fully known and completely real about who I am, where I have been and where I am going. I have learned to embrace my past with open arms, to use my brokenness to reach out to others and never be sorry for who I am. Thank you all who have stood by my side, cheered me on, been there to catch me when I fall and loved me just the way I am.
5 Names
“Five names on you at all times.” Advice given to me six years ago as I sat in a room full of recovering drug addicts, broken and beat up by life, wondering how I was ever going to make my way back home.
I will never forget how hard it was for me to hold back all the tears when I was advised to keep a list of five people in my wallet that I could call on at any moment of the day if I found myself in trouble. The truth was I could not even count on two let alone five. I had pushed everyone who loved me away. I had put up walls that I would not let others over and shut doors that I would not let anyone open.
Today, six years later, celebrating a benchmark of my recovery process, I was brought to the same place of tears but for a very different reason. The tears today were of joy, peace and thankfulness.
We had a BBQ in the park to bring together our friends and family, to celebrate the relationships that have grown through this process and to bring together those who are most important in our lives.
We wanted to say thank you to those who have chosen to stay in the relationships with us even when they were hard and thank you to those who have just joined us on this continued journey we call life.
We could not ask for a better circle of friends and family. The blessings that come out of our struggles have been that of deeper relationships and experiences that are more meaningful.
I have learned not to take anyone for granted and to make the most of every moment count. I have learned to say what I mean and mean what I say and to love those closest to me as if the were the only ones with me.
How have I learned to do this? Well, there is a saying, “more is caught then taught.” I have watched those closest to me set the highest example of being open and authentic, choosing to be brave rather then safe, thank you, you know who you are.
Thank you all who came out today to support us, you are the reason why we can fly!
I will never forget how hard it was for me to hold back all the tears when I was advised to keep a list of five people in my wallet that I could call on at any moment of the day if I found myself in trouble. The truth was I could not even count on two let alone five. I had pushed everyone who loved me away. I had put up walls that I would not let others over and shut doors that I would not let anyone open.
Today, six years later, celebrating a benchmark of my recovery process, I was brought to the same place of tears but for a very different reason. The tears today were of joy, peace and thankfulness.
We had a BBQ in the park to bring together our friends and family, to celebrate the relationships that have grown through this process and to bring together those who are most important in our lives.
We wanted to say thank you to those who have chosen to stay in the relationships with us even when they were hard and thank you to those who have just joined us on this continued journey we call life.
We could not ask for a better circle of friends and family. The blessings that come out of our struggles have been that of deeper relationships and experiences that are more meaningful.
I have learned not to take anyone for granted and to make the most of every moment count. I have learned to say what I mean and mean what I say and to love those closest to me as if the were the only ones with me.
How have I learned to do this? Well, there is a saying, “more is caught then taught.” I have watched those closest to me set the highest example of being open and authentic, choosing to be brave rather then safe, thank you, you know who you are.
Thank you all who came out today to support us, you are the reason why we can fly!
Sister Sister
Some people have birth sisters, some people have sisters in Christ but I am one of the lucky ones who has a sister in Christ who just happens to be my sister by birth. It is a double blessing, a secret in disguise and one of the most amazing relationships I have ever experienced in my life.
I just dropped my sister off at the airport, with a little sadness in my heart and a longing for more time. It felt like we had just completed a marathon of a visit. She arrived late Friday night and we did not stop until I kicked her to the curb to catch her plane. OK, I did not kick her but it was a quick goodbye or else I would have cried.
This was by far one of the best visits I had ever had with my sister. What made it so special was that we had some really good quality one on one times, late at night talking without the interruptions that come with being a mother of three, a wife, a teacher, trainer, bible study leader and that is just to name a few of the roles my sister fills. She was just Eileen my sister for three beautiful days and I am so grateful for my brother in law who stayed behind to man the household, what a great guy.
To share a past a present and a future, wilt baggage to boot can be one of the most difficult relationships to grow. I believe because of our two common denominators, family and faith, we have been able to push through the difficulty that comes when you share a family tree.
I have watched my sister grow in her faith in such away that she walks with this confidence that only comes from those who really know who holds the whole world together. She has away of making people laugh because of her outlook on life and on herself. She has taught me not to take my life or myself to serious.
So today, I celebrate the fact that I have been blessed with a sister sister. I celebrate the fact that even though she knows all about me she still loves me even more. I challenge any of you who share this same scenario to reach out, write a letter, make a phone call, text a message and just say thank you to that special one you call sister.
From My Husband
Hi Gorgeous,
I heard today, that today was tell someone how much you love them day. So here goes;
I am so looking forward to our vacation
I can’t wait to take some long walks on the beach with you
I would take a long walk on the pier, but I tend to get hurt on the pier ;-)
You are my best friend
I believe that God’s ministry for me is to be your partner and supporter and I am so looking forward to being there for you
I am so proud of you for who you are allowing God to turn you into
You are truly becoming a Proverbs 31 women
I believe this quote truly sums up our love:
True love is what you've been through with somebody.
Love always and forever…..
T
I heard today, that today was tell someone how much you love them day. So here goes;
I am so looking forward to our vacation
I can’t wait to take some long walks on the beach with you
I would take a long walk on the pier, but I tend to get hurt on the pier ;-)
You are my best friend
I believe that God’s ministry for me is to be your partner and supporter and I am so looking forward to being there for you
I am so proud of you for who you are allowing God to turn you into
You are truly becoming a Proverbs 31 women
I believe this quote truly sums up our love:
True love is what you've been through with somebody.
Love always and forever…..
T
What Is Your Dream?
Please keep Steve and Donna in your prayers as they passionately pursue the dream God has planted in their hearts. They are an amazing couple with a heart for our community and my family has been blessed to have walked through the last decade with them, through the calm and through the storm and it has been worth it all.
Our Dream.
By: Steve and Donna Whiting
We would both be healthy, free from disease.
I would never set foot in JOB again! Instead, we would own a franchise of BBQ joints (not fancy, just friendly) scattered across the US. Maybe a dozen. These would be financially successful restaurants that are open to public patronization but mean much more to their communities. They will offer a free meal to anyone who needs one but cannot pay. A place where we can close the doors to the public (or not), and serve our family and friends as we gather together to worship God in music, fellowship, and with messy food.
Each restaurant will be available for church gatherings and ministry meetings at an affordable cost. They will offer catering to church events again at an affordable cost. Each restaurant will be a Christ centered fixture in their community and everyone in town will know it.
They will be profitable. Enough so that we can have a nicer home in a nicer area and never worry about finances again. So that we would be able to give freely to the charities of our choice.
These restaurants will be run so efficiently that we can get away from the business for long periods of time to do whatever we want. Wherever God takes us. Travel, cruises, ministry callings, BBQ cook-offs and competitions. And we would WIN every one of them!
Or,
We can be like Forrest Gump. So financially sound that we spend our days mowing the church lawns for a living with not a care in the world.
And when it’s all said and done and our time has come to an end-We would stand before Jesus and He would be happy.
Steve and Donna
Our Dream.
By: Steve and Donna Whiting
We would both be healthy, free from disease.
I would never set foot in JOB again! Instead, we would own a franchise of BBQ joints (not fancy, just friendly) scattered across the US. Maybe a dozen. These would be financially successful restaurants that are open to public patronization but mean much more to their communities. They will offer a free meal to anyone who needs one but cannot pay. A place where we can close the doors to the public (or not), and serve our family and friends as we gather together to worship God in music, fellowship, and with messy food.
Each restaurant will be available for church gatherings and ministry meetings at an affordable cost. They will offer catering to church events again at an affordable cost. Each restaurant will be a Christ centered fixture in their community and everyone in town will know it.
They will be profitable. Enough so that we can have a nicer home in a nicer area and never worry about finances again. So that we would be able to give freely to the charities of our choice.
These restaurants will be run so efficiently that we can get away from the business for long periods of time to do whatever we want. Wherever God takes us. Travel, cruises, ministry callings, BBQ cook-offs and competitions. And we would WIN every one of them!
Or,
We can be like Forrest Gump. So financially sound that we spend our days mowing the church lawns for a living with not a care in the world.
And when it’s all said and done and our time has come to an end-We would stand before Jesus and He would be happy.
Steve and Donna
I Am Not A Potato Chip
Think about it, how many of you would be willing to just blurt out a word in hopes of using it correctly? I am absolutely convinced that the Lord blessed me with my boy as a reminder that I must never take life to seriously. At the ripe old age of twelve, he really comes across as if he knows what he is talking about, until he decides to use a new word or he thinks he is using one correctly. Quickly he reminded of the fact that he is still just a man-child as he opened his mouth and tested my theory, thinking before he speaks, not an option.
I have to admit, I actually love this part of his personality, most of the time. As he learns to navigate through the English language, weaving in and out of new words and phrases, I find myself coming to the realization that he would rather find out the hard way then to ask what a word meant before using it. Does he see this as a challenge? Is he fighting his way from being a boy to a man?
I will spare you the gory details of some of his finer moments that will go down in his history book of what not to say. I am only hoping and praying that he hides all of our late night talks about the dangers of using words without knowing the meanings, deep in his heart. Rebellion and innocents seem to be constant companions of his pre-teen life. I can tell by the grin on his face and lifting of his brow that the testing is going on as a word rolls off his lips and into the air for anyone to catch.
On this particular day, it was pure innocents that was leading and guiding his conversation. We both sat in front of his teacher, only our second meeting of the school year, discussing the options of making up P.E. when illness has kept him out. His precious teacher looked at him and then me and proceeded to share with us that she was not worried about him not getting enough physical activity. I wonder what gave it away, how could she tell by just a few meetings that he never stops moving? Could it be the fact that he is to busy getting ready for the next event in his life that matching things like socks, shorts and shirts are not a priority to him. Just maybe the way he leaves his hair looking like the wind just blew threw it, gives his athletic abilities away. Whatever it might have been, she was right, physical activity is a number one event in his life.
As his teacher and I discussed this very thing, I shared with her how we were not T.V. watchers, how we had actually canceled our cable five years ago. When all of sudden my man-boy got this concerned look on his face as if he had to defend himself or something. Then I could see the wheels spinning as if I were inside his head, I new he was about to do it, he was going to speak without thinking, a word or two he might not even know right out of his mouth. What would his new teacher think and worse yet, what was he going to say?
He turned first to me and then to her, it looked as if he even took a deep breath and then his mouth opened up and the words came out, hands on his hips, he said, “I am not a potato chip!” Well, thank God, innocents had knocked on the door of his mouth at that moment. The laughter started deep with in me and made it’s way directly out of my mouth and off my lips, I did hold back and was careful not to laugh to hard or to loud but he knew the minute I chuckled that it happened once again.
I winked at him and said, “I think you mean couch potato.” His darling teacher quickly jumped in to save him, not knowing that this type of behavior was typical in our daily life. She smiled a smile that was so big and genuine, she hugged my son with her words and simply said, “I like potato chip better.” She then smiled at me with a look in her eyes as if to say, “what now?” We just continued on with the conversation about school, finished our meeting and went on our way.
As we got in the car, I could not help but take a quick moment to look at my son and thank God once again for the gift he gave me in him, a daily reminder of the importance of not taking life to serious. I will never look at another potato chip the same way.
I have to admit, I actually love this part of his personality, most of the time. As he learns to navigate through the English language, weaving in and out of new words and phrases, I find myself coming to the realization that he would rather find out the hard way then to ask what a word meant before using it. Does he see this as a challenge? Is he fighting his way from being a boy to a man?
I will spare you the gory details of some of his finer moments that will go down in his history book of what not to say. I am only hoping and praying that he hides all of our late night talks about the dangers of using words without knowing the meanings, deep in his heart. Rebellion and innocents seem to be constant companions of his pre-teen life. I can tell by the grin on his face and lifting of his brow that the testing is going on as a word rolls off his lips and into the air for anyone to catch.
On this particular day, it was pure innocents that was leading and guiding his conversation. We both sat in front of his teacher, only our second meeting of the school year, discussing the options of making up P.E. when illness has kept him out. His precious teacher looked at him and then me and proceeded to share with us that she was not worried about him not getting enough physical activity. I wonder what gave it away, how could she tell by just a few meetings that he never stops moving? Could it be the fact that he is to busy getting ready for the next event in his life that matching things like socks, shorts and shirts are not a priority to him. Just maybe the way he leaves his hair looking like the wind just blew threw it, gives his athletic abilities away. Whatever it might have been, she was right, physical activity is a number one event in his life.
As his teacher and I discussed this very thing, I shared with her how we were not T.V. watchers, how we had actually canceled our cable five years ago. When all of sudden my man-boy got this concerned look on his face as if he had to defend himself or something. Then I could see the wheels spinning as if I were inside his head, I new he was about to do it, he was going to speak without thinking, a word or two he might not even know right out of his mouth. What would his new teacher think and worse yet, what was he going to say?
He turned first to me and then to her, it looked as if he even took a deep breath and then his mouth opened up and the words came out, hands on his hips, he said, “I am not a potato chip!” Well, thank God, innocents had knocked on the door of his mouth at that moment. The laughter started deep with in me and made it’s way directly out of my mouth and off my lips, I did hold back and was careful not to laugh to hard or to loud but he knew the minute I chuckled that it happened once again.
I winked at him and said, “I think you mean couch potato.” His darling teacher quickly jumped in to save him, not knowing that this type of behavior was typical in our daily life. She smiled a smile that was so big and genuine, she hugged my son with her words and simply said, “I like potato chip better.” She then smiled at me with a look in her eyes as if to say, “what now?” We just continued on with the conversation about school, finished our meeting and went on our way.
As we got in the car, I could not help but take a quick moment to look at my son and thank God once again for the gift he gave me in him, a daily reminder of the importance of not taking life to serious. I will never look at another potato chip the same way.
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