Committed, Admitted and Invited

  I am a woman who has been committed, admitted and invited into places most people do not even want to talk about.   Psych wards,  rehabs, prisons and jails.  Through these EDucational experiences, I have learned the human heart is fragile, easily broken when rejected, neglected and abused.

  I have learned that one can only take being beaten down so many times before they cannot get back up on their own.  Interventions need to take place so restoration, recovery and redemption can be embraced. 

  I have learned through my EDucational experiences that whether you are committed, admitted, or invited you are just as valuable,  no matter how you made it through the doors of the places most people choose not to go.

  I have learned that mental breakdowns, drug addictions and prison  all feel the same.  They rob one of their dignity and strip them of their identity.

  The human soul longs to be free yet frailty and shame keeps the spirit shackled.  Would one choose the road of despair on purpose?  I would say not so.  A result of the hands of those who should have loved, or strangers who should have known better. 

  Then on day, you are handed a get out of jail free card.  All of a sudden, the freedom you had been praying for and dreaming about does not look so inviting.  The get out of jail card looks scary from behind the invisible, predictable bars you have been hiding behind most of your life. 

  The freedom being handed to you looks heavy and hard, the fear of the unknown scars you more then the chains you have become accustomed to.  You squint, you peer into the future and you see is in the distance familiar faces of those who had gone before you.

  No chains, no shackles no bars to be seen. Thoughts swirl around in your head, “how can I walk away from the only life I know?” Then you say to yourself,  “If they can do it so can !.”  Courage wells up deep inside, you grab the get out of jail card and you run as fast as you can.  You call out to those ahead of you and they turn around to greet you, arms wide open.  They gently whisper, “follow us.”

  Thank you for letting me share.

Cristina Nole

Looking Backwards-Moving Forward

Sept 2, 2013

Dear Friends,

Happy Tuesday.  Hope all of you had a great labor day.  I am having fun forging my way through the last 12 months of my journal entries.  Watching the process of transition unfold through my words and stories has given me a greater appreciation for the need to live a slow, simple, small life so that I can embrace what really matters most.  And that is, people, plain and simple.  

Thank you for visiting my blog.

Have a beautiful today.

  The first rain of the season has just begun. The gutters are filling up and draining back and forth.  The wind blows through the cracks of the doors and windows of the house we are about to leave.  I wait for Vito to wake up, happy that this time of year has begun.

  Just like our move, a new season is about to arrive.  Change is good for the soul.  Change is good for the mind.  What is it that I need to learn today as I sit in my home sheltered from the storm.

  Lesson learned.  I have been prepared for such a time as this.  No need to worry or fret, I am prepared more then I know.  Like the china that came crashing down many years ago, this move will give me the ability, the compass to see that I am not attached to my things and stuff.

  I have done a great job at learning to let go and lean into what matters most.  I trust my creator will be with me as I move and make new friends and create a new life.  I trust my creator will always be by my side. 

  When I am feeling sad and homesick for what was and use to be, gentleness will be the tool to help me through.  I AM is always with me.  I am not alone.

  The journey has just begun.  I have not seen anything yet.  People, places, community, leadership, I am prepared to continue where I have paused.

  Created inside of me is a spirit of strength, I am brave, bold and beautiful.  There is nothing me and my creator cannot handle together.  I will keep my eyes focused on my faith.  I will watch mountains be moved, seas parted and burning bushes as I look with eyes of belief. 

Journal entry Oct. 2012

 Thank you for letting me share.

Cristina

Whispers From The Heart of God...

  “I know you feel like this is too much for your heart to handle.  I can feel you wanting to shut down.  You can do this!  Love her enough to let her go.  Let her find her why and her way.

  It is time for her to learn to rely more on me and less on you.  She will find faith in the middle of her struggle.  Trust the process.  I feel your pain, I feel your lose.  I will give you the strength to let her go.

  The secret to letting her go well is the way you choose to gently speak.  The by-product of a gentle answer is joy, discernment and wisdom.  She will carry that with her wherever she goes. 

  This is not about you anymore but all about her.  The time has come and your little girl is no longer your little girl.  I will not leave you as you release her.

  She is not rejecting you rather embracing the life I created her to live.  I promise you this, done right, she will come back.  I created her to fly just like you.

  Can you remember the first time you spread your wings and flew?  Hold tight to that memory that is where she is.  A save place to land now and then, you can offer her just that space.

  It will not be easy, you will be weary and you will become weak but come to me and I will give you  rest. 

  

  She is brave, bold and beautiful just like her mama.

Love Your

Creator

Sacred Space Of Stillness

  I am and have been choosing not to fill up my calendar or add to my to-do list.  Even though I could and sometimes feel like I should.

  With change around the corner, I am feeling the loss, the screaming in my head sometimes gets loud and sometimes even in my heart I hear, “what were you thinking?”

  Part of me wants to default to denial and stay busy so I do not have to deal with the change and all that is going on but I know better then to run away from my feelings. 

  Grief would catch up with me, if not now, one day.  It is one of those emotions everyone has.  Does everyone deal with it?  NOT! 

  Therefore, I embrace my sacred stillness and rejoice, cry, embrace and let go of all I am walking way from and all I am walking into.

  In the middle of embracing the stillness, we as a family walked through what will be our new home one day soon.  We are months away from the move. All that is standing is the frame, wood beams facing here and there. 

  The four of us gathered around the entryway from what will be our kitchen to the stairs, we held hands prayed and signed the wooden frame.  “As for me and my house we will serve the Lord.”  Signed the Nole Family Aug 2012.

  It is hard to believe that this came from my journal almost a year ago this week.  Sacred space of stillness allowed for us to transition from what use to be to what is now.

Thank you for letting me share!

Cristina

Life Lessons Learned From Leaning Into My Life

1.  Hurt people hurt people.

2. To feel loved I must love.

3.  Jesus loves me this I know for my community tells me so.

4.  Doing for others what they can do for themselves is not HELP!

5.  Strengths and struggles make for a successful life.

6.  Joy and shame both produce vulnerability and feel prickly.

7.  I do not need to fear the un-known.

8.  Grandchildren bring peace to my soul.

9.  There is power in imperfection.

10.  Understanding is birthed in silence.

11.  Love is an action.

12.  Busyness will rob me of intimacy with God and others.

13.  I am enough.

14.  Change is what I can count on.

15.  Listening well builds trust and creditability.

16.  Asking good questions allows people to be heard and stories to be shared.

17. Pausing on purpose through conversations helps me understand and connect.

18.  Two are better than one.

19.  I am brave, bold and beautiful.

20.  Life lessons are learned when I am willing to listen.

21.  People are amazing.

22.  Everyone has a voice.

23. Dreams are not just for kids.

24.  Change cost greatly.

25.  Pulling away allows for pouring in.

26.  Success is sweetest when found in the silence.

27.  Learning something new everyday keeps me young.

28.  Asking great questions is a good thing.

29.  My faith is ever evolving.

30.  Maturity does not happen over night.

31.  Strong marriages come from couples who choose to stay in the struggle.

32.  Giving up does not always mean I have failed.

33.  Pumpkin farmers live by faith.

34.  Living well means letting go.

Thank you for letting me share.

Cristina

Life Changes On A Dime

   Will something have to die first before something comes to life?  I feel my faith slowly slipping through my fingers.  The things I use to believe “because” are coming to an end. 

  It feels like a flip of the coin or the toss of a switch.  When in fact the process of transformation has been years in the coming.  

  I must find others to talk to and walk with because my life experiences in the flesh and spirit really did happen and I was In hell and now I am not.  

  

  I feel so lost at times yet right at home in my “getting lost,” in my looking for more.  I am not giving up or giving in to quitting my race but I think it is changing me, as I am transitioning again.

  Learning to let go of my children and trust my creator through this process.  

What then do I pray for?  What then do I say?

  I pray for me to be calm, peaceful and kind.  I pray to see the good in all people and that I will not do for others what they could do for themselves and I pray that I would know the difference.  

  I pray for my marriage to be strong as we transition together, become whole as we approach the end of one season and the beginning of another.  

God, I want to tell you thank you.  Thank you for your never ever changing love. For leaving lots of space for questions and for conversations.  Thank you for the freedom you have given me through free will.  Help me please not to become hard, cynical or sarcastic in regards to others and their religious views.

Thank You For Letting Me Share

Cristina

Sometimes Joy Runs Away

  Joy feels most at home when all is well with my soul.  When there is a balance between my health, body, soul and mind, Joy is present.

 

Then there are situations that happen as they do being human, that causes my joy to run away. 

  However, when my body is aching, my mind is tired and my soul is thirsty, my joy needs a break, a holiday, a time of stepping away. 

  I need that time of separation to take care of me, have the conversations that are needed, make the doctors appointments for my health and even sit still alone without the joy as I question my creator, as I thank him and seek to understand just a little bit more about my own humanity. 

  Joy is not something I can produce or summons; it has a personality of its own.  My circumstances do not dictate its destination times. 

 I believe joy knows it cannot always stick around.  I need to grow, I need to change, sometimes it will take a break, sometimes it will runaway and sometime it just needs to walk,  for my own good, so I will not deny the reality of my life, the good and the bad and the broken.

  As I observe human behavior,  I embrace my faith through the lens of freedom and I find that joy is a by-product of that faith, it is a spirit, like peace, patients and goodness.  True joy cannot be created by humanity.

  My job as a woman of faith who is maturing through my own growth,  belief and past has realized that my joy lives best at home when I am not denying the struggle but embracing it, not when I am creating the drama but realizing sometimes life is dramatic. 

  My joy comes home rather quickly when I choose to embrace my own humanity.  Joy loves it when I am honest and true with who I am. 

  I can see my Joy coming over the horizon even now, as I pull the words from my soul; it comes closer and closer, cheering me on.

 

  This journey is not easy.  Daily I am fighting with my truth, my pain, my comfort, my freedom.  I find relief when I slow down long enough to sit in my creator’s presence where JOY is birthed.

  Sometimes joy runs away, only to come back as I make my way through these crazy times of understanding, reflecting, growing and healing.  For wholeness welcomes JOY back home. 

Have A Beautiful Today!

Cristina