Perfectly Forgiven

Perfectly Forgiven

My words were harsh and guilt was my weapon. Stuck between wanting to let go and holding so tight that growth would be impossible. It was a typical Monday morning when my twelve year old daughter came into my room to inform me that she did not feel well. Instead of reaching out with a heart of compassion, I flung accusations and criticism into the air in hopes that she would catch them and feel bad enough, guilty enough to try to go to school for the day. I was frustrated once again, not wanting to deal with that phone call. “What must they think of me”? Those calls had become regular over the last couple weeks due to the fact that she had caught a horrible cold over Thanksgiving break. Here is the catch when it comes to school. We are scolded for sending our children there sick and scolded when we keep them home, where is the balance? Where is the grace?

This particular day both balance and grace where definitely lacking in my spirit. Fear of what the school would think, fear of her being home and taking up my time, fear of not getting what I needed done all came disguised as discipline. I looked her in the eyes and yelled what do you want from me? I pushed her hard verbally, I wanted her to make the decision about going to school or not on her own, and I didn’t want to have to carry that weight. I sent her to her room and as she walked away I knew right then and there that she could not make that kind of decision, she was to sick and I was to stubborn.

My pride had gotten the best of me. I was angry, frustrated and discouraged. I gave myself a time out and started to pray. As I was able to stand back and look at my behavior, my reaction and my harshness of the whole situation my spirit became broken. My heart ached for how I had treated my daughter and I found myself once again crying out to the Lord for forgiveness and guidance. Two hearts had been broken, mine and my daughters because of my own selfish pride. I knew right then and there what I needed to do. I stood up, wiped my tears and marched myself straight to her room.

I sat next to her bed and started rubbing her head, crying and asking her to forgive me for the way I had treated her. I told her that all she probably needed from me was a hug and a bit of understanding and with a look of sadness in her eyes, she agreed. I kissed her on the forehead and left her to sleep, as I walked out of her bedroom she called out to me and said, “mommy, you are perfect”. All I could think was “perfectly forgiven”.

I left her to rest and went to make the phone call. My son had come in from the garage playing and said he wanted me to open up one of my Christmas presents. Now if any of you know me, you would know how against this I am. I am all about opening them on the day. But my son was adamant about me opening his gift. I was still broken and raw about what had just happened with my daughter and I didn’t have it in me to try to win this one. I just asked him “why now?” “Why do you want me to open this gift so early”? He looked me in the eyes, straight faced and serious and said, “because you are the best mommy in the whole world.”

He had no idea what had just gone on between my daughter and me, he had no idea how emotional I was to start with. All I could do was sit there with the gift in my hand and cry and cry and cry. I thought to myself and prayed in silence, “I am not worthy of this gift, look at how I have just behaved.” And in my prayer I was quickly reminded about the free gift of salvation. How many times I had I said no to the things that God had wanted to give me because I thought I wasn’t worthy? A light bulb went on, tears continued to flow and I started to unwrap the gift. It wasn’t what came inside that package that day but rather what it represented.

I was qualified for that gift my son had given me because I was his mommy. Plain and simple. I excepted that gift from my son and realized that I am a perfect mommy and the best in the whole world not because of who I am or what I do but rather because of who I know. I was able to except his gift because I had already excepted HIS gift.

I am not or never will be worthy enough to except the free gift of salvation that comes through Jesus Christ. But because I am a daughter of the King of Kings I am qualified. I was reminded by that day about how God deals with His children. He is gentle and kind but quick to discipline. I believe God knew that I would have spent the whole day beating myself up because of my behavior. Even though I had been forgiven. I believe He sent my little boy to me at the perfect time to remind me of the gift that is so freely offered to each and everyone of us not based on my goodness but on His.

God saved you by his grace when you believed. And you can’t take credit for this; it is a GIFT from God. Salvation is not a reward for the good things we have done, so none of us can boast about it.
Ephesians 2:8-9

No comments: