Greetings From The Front Porch!
When a sad song is not sad anymore, when putting one foot in front of the other does not cause me to freeze and when I finally love being me that is what 42 years young looks like!
Today I celebrate 42 years of life on this great big ball called planet earth. When the words celebrate leave my fingers and form on my screen, I cannot help but smile to myself and chuckle out loud as I remember not to long ago when the words fake, fraud, and imposter would have been more like it. When someone would wish me a happy birthday I would think to myself “if they only knew the real me, they wouldn’t be wishing me anything.”
As a broken, abused and used child, my view of God was distorted, wrapped around a false belief system that said, “I must be bad because bad had been done to me.” Therefore, I believed that God created me to teach everyone else what not to do. I use to believe that death was away of God getting back at me, every time I experienced a loss of life, it just clarified what I believed from an early age.
As I grew up, married and had kids, the fear of being found out, the fear of someone knowing about my past, caused me to panic anytime I tried to leave the house. I thought, “if I leave this house, I just might die and if I stay inside, I knew I would.” I was a walking contradiction, wanting the freedom that I saw so many people have but fearful of finding out how I could get it. Fear of falling, fear of failing kept me from ever trying to embrace the very faith I taught others on a daily basis.
I cared more about what others thought about me then what I thought about myself. I use to think that this world would be better off without me and I tried to find ways to get rid of myself, thinking I was doing this world a favor. It was on my birthday eight years ago when I prayed that God would just end my life.
Sometimes I thank God, for unanswered prayers
Remember when you’re talking’ to the man upstairs
That just because he doesn’t answer doesn’t mean he don’t care
Some of God’s greatest gifts, are unanswered prayers.
I waited in the sanctuary of the spa, just minutes away from my name being called out, a birthday facial had been prepared, a gift from my best friend and husband. He made sure that this year I was pampered beyond anything I could ever imagine. Cuddled into a fuzzy, floor lengths rob, fitted into fuzzy slippers with a cup of hot tea by my side and fresh fruit on fine china, all for me, I felt like Queen Esther.
As I sat in the oversized chair, it felt like I was resting on clouds as I waited for my name to be called. I was captivated by the view from the window, I could see the snow capped mountains of the Olympic Village just a few miles away and I had an overwhelming feeling of gratitude that came from the very core of who I am.
In that moment, I realized that God did not answer my birthday prayer so many years ago; I sat there and gently whispered out lout, “thank you for not answering my prayers to die.” Tears started to flow, the faucet had been turned on and I was hoping that a staff member would not arrive to call my name while I was having a moment of gratitude with just me and my maker.
Suddenly my life flashed in front of me as I kept saying thank you over and over again. I saw all I would have lost and all who would have been hurt if my life would have ended under such horrible circumstances. I saw my husband and children, my family and friends, gone all of it lost because of my false belief system thinking they would be better off without me.
Today I realize that I represent reversal of destiny, what happed when I came to the end of myself and the beginning of my maker. He snapped my false faith in half and handed me the real deal. My life has become proof that God is bigger then my pain and my past and that he can take and will take my greatest misery and turn it into my greatest ministry. He is a God who turns impossibilities into possibilities and who promises to show up best in my weaknesses.
Funny how God has asked me to do the very things I use to think I would die in and in fact it is in doing those very things I fear that make me become fully alive. Instead of freezing in my fear and running back inside, I find myself drawn to those in my community who God has placed within my reach.
Instead of feeling like I was the mistake that others could learn from, He has given me the gift to inspire and encourage others to be true to who they are in Christ. My life has truly become a reversal of destiny, not because of who I am but rather whose I am.
Sometimes I thank God, for unanswered prayers!
“Living In The Moment”