I Did Not Sign Up For This....

Dear Heart,

I am writing to warn you that you will be leaving my body once again.  I know it feels like only yesterday when I placed you on a plane and said goodbye.  It feels that way because it was almost yesterday when I did.  I wanted to give you a heads up so that you would not go into shock at 5PM tonight as I wave goodbye to you, promising to be here when you get back.

Friends, I do not remember signing up for this 15 years ago.  Today at 5PM, I will be dropping my teenage boy off at the airport with a group from our local middle school.  They will be heading to Washington D.C. and the Big Apple.  Yes seemed like the right response when he presented me with his request to join the tour,  two years ago.  


Little did I know how hard it would be on this mama’s  heart.  What was I thinking when I agreed to let him go?  Not to mention, he will be gone on his 15^th birthday, a first for the both of us.

So many circumstances 15 years ago around his birth, which led me  to hold on to him and not want to let go the moment the nurse placed him in my arms.  When I first made eye contact with his big blue eyes, the thought did not cross my mind that one day I would be required to love him enough to release him.  


Nope, I did not sign of for this.  I will say though,  that my heart has been preparing for this moment in time more then I realized.  It is a bittersweet moment when I want to hold on but I know I must let go.  There have been many benchmarks over the last decade and a half that has prepared me for today.  Looking back allows me to be confidant in the way I will choose to let go today. 

 This morning I had the most beautiful conversation with a friend of mine.  We have a standing date every Wednesday to chat by phone.  She lives on the other side of the nation but it always feels like we are on the front porch together as we share our struggles, victories and future dreams.  We fold into our conversations as if we were in the presents of one another, and if my eyes were closed, I would think no different.  As we started our typical conversation, with the how are things going?  

I almost decided not share with her how tender my heart was feeling as I was preparing to let another child go within a matter of a week.  My vulnerability made me feel like a pathetic parent, and I was afraid that she would think less of me. Not that she has ever given me reason to believe she would think way, mind you.    I stepped past my fear and decided to share and what do you know? My sweet friend had experienced the same emotions, the same tenderness too as well to the letting go so they could grow part of parenting.

The front porch has become more then a place.  It is an attitude about the truth of two.  Two are better than one, there is a greater return for our work and when wee fall down there is always someone there to help us back up, even from across the nation.  


My sweet precious friend encouraged me today with her own willingness to share her stories of letting go and holding on.  There was a greater return for our work, as we shared our struggles,  the work of being a wife and a mother in a time when the value placed on both roles is so low.  She helped me up and out of the pit, I felt like I was falling into because I did not feel strong. 

I believe my heart can handle this, letting go so they can grow, a theme in my life as a parent who wants to love well.  Thank you my sweet precious friend for joining me on the front porch , there is no amount of miles that could keep the truth of two from happening when two hearts choose to be vulnerable.  And though I did not sign up for this 15 years ago, I will say, I would not change a thing about the journey we have traveled and the new one we are about to embark on.

Mom and Son
June 2012

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Dear Blogging Friends,

Thank you for traveling this road with me through my posts. Your words of encouragement, emails and comments help me realize how much we are all alike.   I would love to have an open dialogue in regards to your own experience with coming to terms with the letting go so they can grow part of parenting.  


Please join me today on the front porch as we challenge one another, encourage and inspire each other to listen well, ask good questions and pause through out our conversations.  Building community one connection at a time is how I am finding myself able to let them go so they can grow. 

Cris