Dead Man Walking

“We know that our old sinful selves were crucified with Christ so that sin might lose its power in our lives. We are no longer slaves to sin. For when we died with Christ we were set free from the power of sin.”Romans 6:6-7

As I entered the parking garage, keys in one hand, book in another, I found myself flirting with an old familiar friend called rejection. This long time friend of mine is from the past, someone I had never asked to enter into my life but rather had been there most of it. Rejection isn't a close friend of mine, more of an acquaintance who decides to pop it's head in once in a while to distort my truth so that he could feel needed and wanted.

Rejection showed up last night when I invited my husband to join me for a walk across the street and He said no. A sting from the past struck my heart like an arrow. The voice from Rejection echoed in my ear "see, he doesn't really want you!" Instead of sending Rejection home, I allowed him to enter through the back door of my heart. Thinking I had a right to feel such pain. Here I was with my husband on a weekend away, alone in a hotel room, no kids, no calls and no one to disturb us and he seemed to just want to be left alone. Letting Rejection in through the back door seemed harmless at the time. He felt like an old pair of shoes, I was able to slip right into with ease, not even having to untie the laces.

My heart was about to break as I invited Rejection to tag along with me as I decided to take myself on a pity party, starting at Star Bucks and ending up at the shopping center that I had eyed earlier from our hotel room. Caffeine and clothes what a way to numb the pain. As I said my goodbye to my husband I was hoping he would come chase after me and beg me not to go, plead with me not to runaway with this so called friend of mine.

The begging never happened, the pleading wasn't even in the cards because the truth was my husband had know idea what was going on in my heart, he really thought I was just stepping out for a walk, clueless to the fact that an enemy from my past came back disguised as a friend.

Just hours prior to allowing Rejection through the door, my husband and I had returned from an awesome day together. We drove by the beach house where we honeymooned as well as spent several family vacations with our children over the last 15 years. We ate at our favorite little restaurant in Aptos CA. and spent the rest of the day in Santa Cruz, walking on the wharf and a quick trip to the mall. On the ride back to the hotel he grabbed my hand and said "I just love being with you" and in agreement I said "me to." We had a wonderful day together, hanging out, laughing and listening to each other share about life.

So, how did I get from feeling loved and wanted to unloved and rejected? How did I go down hill so fast with my feelings and emotions? I had allowed something that felt and looked vaguely familiar to enter into my thoughts, this is where I believe Satan gets a foot hold into my life. I flirt with the familiar so that I can justify my feelings. The taste was fowl and dirty yet I didn't spit it out, I didn't choose to drink the truth but rather I swallowed up the lie and it landed in the pit of my stomach and started to eat away at my soul. That quickly, a matter of minutes, the truth had become distorted and I was ready to own the lie.

As I left the hotel room I used everything in me not to break down and cry. I felt sill, stupid and immature because of how rejected I was feeling in the moment. I could not believe I was reverting back to old behavior, unhealthy, non communicating, prideful self was getting in the way. I took the elevator to the lobby, entered the parking garage, headed towards my car and that is when it hit me. I needed to go back upstairs into my hotel room and be honest with my husband, share with him how I was feeling and trust him with my heart. This I knew how to do and I knew this was the only way to un invite rejection. As I entered back into the building, hoped onto the elevator and rode up to the seventh floor all I could think about was the trek to the door. We were the last room on the floor, the walk seemed like a mile long and the first thought that came to my mind as my foot hit the carpet was "Dead Man Walking."

That area of my life, my past was no longer alive in me as far as controling who I was, what I did and how I reacted. I was dead to that old sinnful nature even though at times it like to come back and try to take me out. As I embraced that truth I was able to see the truth in the whole situation and with everyone step that brought me closer to the hotel door I became more confident in what I knew in regards to how I felt. What I knew was that the only way for me to keep a dead man down is to speak the truth. I would have to allow my husband to enter into this pain with me so that I could walk through it instead of run from it.

As I entered the hotel room I heard him yell out to me and asking why I was back. I just plopped down on the bed and asked if we could talk. I shared with him how everything felt so familiar and how I was feeling completely and utterly rejected even though I knew that I wasn't. I shared with him how stupid I felt because of those feelings and because of the day we had just had. Instead of rejecting me he embraced me, thanked me for trusting him and for coming back.

For when I died with Christ I was set free from the power of sin. On this day I was able to walk out this very truth, the power that once took me down, kept me from living and caused me to die a slow death no longer has control over me. Dead man walking into a new life in Christ.

Running my race in a lane called "Grace".

Cristina Dolores


Anonymous said...

Girl you just blow me away. I am so very proud of you!

Love ya,


Renee Swope said...

So glad you are now officially in bloggy world. I love being able to read about what is going on in your life and hear what God is doing in your heart.

Thanks for being real and putting voice to what so many of us think and feel but simply ignore and then wonder why we feel down or lonely. It's those lies we listen to every time. Glad you recognized the voice of deception and chose to believe the voice of truth.

Love you girl!