I want to be me!!!



Five years ago today, the cry of my heart was “I don’t want to be me!” Today, the cry of my heart is “all I want is to be me!” I would like to share with you my friends and those stopping by my blog of who I was and who I am today. As I celebrate this month, five years ago on Oct. 23, 2003 I surrendered to the process of recovering what was lost, stolen or given away, through my habits, hurts and hang-ups.

Who I was

My name was Cris and I was a believer in no one and nothing. Faith was for you and not for me. Recovery was impossible and loneliness was where I remained. Freedom was a myth and death was inevitable. My master was my drug of choice and the moment was all I could think about. I did not dream, wish or hope for tomorrow because that would have meant I would have had to face my future. Depression ruled my heart and lies ruled my mind.

I was rejected, illegitimate, unnoticeable, and down right mean. I was a prisoner of my past with bars that could not be seen. I would not let anyone in and I would not come out. Pain had been my pal and purpose had been my enemy. I could not fix the brokenness in my heart and I would let anyone try. No one could touch me because I would not let them. They could not love me because I was unlovable. I hurt therefore I wanted everyone else to hurt. Their touch, their voice their love had become my greatest opponent. I would do whatever it took to keep everyone out. I pushed, shoved, and knocked them down.

My tears were dry my heart was hard and my life was worthless. My walls were high the doors were locked and the windows were shut. I ran from all, I played a part, I lived a lie. Habits of addictions, hurts of abuse and hang ups in denial where my chains. No one knew me because I did not want them to. I waited for death to take me fast, the pain was deep and the days were long. I questioned my creator and cursed His creation. I longed for nothing and expected the same.
That was who I was. (All based on my perception of who I was filtered through my habits, hurts and hang ups.)



Who I am

My name is Cristina and I am a believer in Jesus Christ. He is my Lord and my savior, my rock and my salvation and Because Of Him; I will never be alone again. I have been forgiven, set free and spiritually raised from the dead all through Jesus Christ. I am who I am because of who He is.

8 comments:

Amy Carroll said...

I rejoice in the new right along with you!

Shari Braendel said...

I am privileged to know you! God drew you to Him and you accepted his call. Praise Jesus for choosing such an awesome, beautiful woman! Love, love, love knowing you! Beautiful blessings to a beautiful woman, Shari

Anonymous said...

Ah my friend. I do have to say that you were never unlovable. You just felt unlovable. I am just so happy & proud that now you know just how lovable you are!!! It's been an honor to be on the sidelines to watch you stretch & grow. To cheer you on in this race!

To the sky & back my friend!

Sherri

lubylu said...

I didn't get to experience the whole journey with you, but have been blessed by the new creation in you. Love ya, my friend!

Wendy Pope said...

I just read this to several girls in our office and we said, WOW! You are evidence of what God's power can accomplish in a life that is surrendered.

Happy Anniversary!!! We love you Sister.

cautious1 said...

Praise God that you were able to transform your life into the person that you are today! What a wonderful new "Race" that you are running alongside of God!

God Bless-

BTW....You have an amazing way with words! I really enjoy reading your blog.

Julie said...

What a beautiful post.

I found you from Lysa's blog..

What a testimony of the old has gone, the new has come that is written about in II Cor. 4:

It's nice to meet you!

Julie

Deanna said...

God bless you! A truly wonderful post! Hope you are enjoying your week!