My Ghosts Have Become My Teachers

   When I think about all the lessons, I have learned from my mistakes I realize that they are the ghosts from my past. The ghosts whisper into my ears, “Your greatest lessons came from your greatest failures.”

  Should I be fearful of these ghosts from my past? No way. They have much to teach me as I enter into the next season of my life. A new beginning to a new me. My ghosts teach me that to learn I must fail, to succeed I must fall. It is not about knowing much, but rather much about knowing.

  Can I be a student and a teacher? My ghosts say yes!  They cheer me on, a pep squad only I can see. This season as a student in a classroom with others young enough to be my children will automatically place me in a position as a teacher as well, whether I want it or not.  My ghosts remind me of what that was like years ago sitting next to others generations ahead of you.

  Pencils, pens, papers, websites, syllabuses, the list goes on. Going back and letting my ghosts of yesterday teach and lead me in an area, I was not ready for over two decades ago. My ghosts are my instructors, my reminders of what I am capable of. They remind me of my love for learning and giving what I know away. 
  Digging deep into a question.  Cradling the question mark between both my hands.  Juggling the thought of what could be, that is what keeps me up late at night with my nose in a book, tapping away at the keyboard.  The very reason why I know I am ready for such a time as this. 

  I use to think there was no more for me to learn, this was it, yet it never seemed to be enough to keep the passion and fire of my life alive.   One day I woke up with the realization that God gave me a brain and a rather smart one at that. I am learning through my ghosts that not only is it ok to ask many question but that God created my mind to do just that.

  I watch as my faith rubs up against the ghosts of my past to reveal the middle of the unknown, the questions with no answers.   It is in the context of the questions that I have come to appreciate where the road less traveled becomes the journey of a lifetime. 

 And I have joined that journey.   I can feel the energy of the classroom as I close my eyes and imagine sitting in my chair, just another student. A number on a chart, role call with my name on it. I missed this life even when I was living it. Two and half decades ago, I walked the halls of higher education.  Not a woman with a purpose but a child all of 18.  Back then, I felt more like a stranger in this world.  A new town, new school and a new life knocked me into insanity.   Following in the footsteps of everyone else but not knowing why.

    “If I only knew then what I know now.”  A cliché I choose to throw away.  The truth is what would that have done?  Here is where faith prevails, where failures, falling and struggles come together to form my life choices.  Choices that were good and bad, they are the very experiences in my life that have brought me to this sweet spot,  this moment in time where my past, present and future have now collided and make sense.   The puzzles pieces fit together. 

  I use to feel like a stranger in this land but today with my past, present and future married, I finally feel like I belong.  I feel like I belong in this moment in time where I get to choose. Where, what, when and why I am doing what I plan to do. Each step I take, each breath I breathe comes with the knowledge that my teachers my ghosts of my past have been teaching me all along.

  This day was inevitable.  This day where I feel fully free to be me, OK as a human being in a human body with human experiences. This day living in the now where I do not feel the urge to apologize for who I am, what I have done or where I spend time. Yes in need, my greatest instructors are the ghosts from my past, they have taught me to pause and press into the moment so I can step into my future. 

Thank you for letting me share.

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