Greetings from the Front Porch: 
Below is an article I recently wrote in regards to walking through the back end of the loss of my mother.  For those of you who have ever lost a loved one, you will know the process it takes to step through all the emotions of grief and the relief when the day finally comes and you find that you can finally let go.  Not of the memories but of the things.  When you can finally laugh and cry at the same time and know that, you will not get lost in all of the emotions.

Letting Go
Living in Her Legacy

The sent of her perfume still lingered on her clothing as if she had just stepped out of the bathroom after dressing for her daily activities.  Tears of joy and sadness rolled down my eyes as I nestled my nose into each one of her shirts hoping to capture her sent forever.  It has taken me 19 months to touch her belongs without feeling the sting of loss stab me in the heart.  It has taken me 13 weeks of sharing and caring with people who started out as strangers and ended up as friends.  

As I placed each article of clothing into the give away box I would allow myself to go back in time, picturing in my mind what the last memory of her in that particular piece of clothing looked like.  I would then occasionally try on an item myself and in doing so I was transported mentally back in time.  I was six years old, playing in her closet trying on her clothes and walking in her heels.  It felt real and familiar and brought me a sense of peace as I pondered all that my mother’s life had represented to me.

Nineteen months later, six boxes, one wheel chair and many tears.  Her clothes are packed and ready to be shipped to their new owners.  My memories will forever be captured in my mind of this particular day when I finally was able to touch my grief as if I had never touched it before.

I find that today I am able to feel the pain without feeling like I might fall apart and never come back.  I am able to dance with my grief and hold on to the memory without feeling as if it just might break me.  

The process has been long and I know I will forever be effected by the loss of my mother but what I do have today that I did not have three months ago are the tools, the relationship and the faith to know that I am not alone and that grief, death  and lose are all part of life.

I am thankful for the amazing legacy my mother has left me.  I am living in the moment trusting god with my future.  I will never forget the sent of her perfume.

Thank You
Grief Share
You all are some of the most amazing people I have ever met, friends for life, I am sure.

Cris Nole

1 comment:

Jill Beran said...

Great post Cris! Love your heart and honesty! I'm sure your mom would be sounds like she left a wonderful legacy, but she did more than that - she passed it on and know you are doing the same! Thank you...praying the pain will fade and the memories grow stronger.