The Front Porch

Footnotes From The Front Porch

Below is an amazing tool for anyone looking to partner with a therapist. Thanks to my good friend and fellow traveling partner for your willingness to equip and encourage others to seek wise counsel.

How To Pick A Good Therapist

1. Have a consultation so that you can see if you feel comfortable and safe- this can be in person (preferably) or over the phone. Does the counselor seem like they are with you, listening and understanding or do they seem like a "know it all" and/or not emotionally connected? A consumer has a choice. Even though it is anxiety-producing going to a therapist the first time, it is important to tease out your own stuff from the counselors.

2. What's the general philosophy of the therapist and approach to helping? Are people sick and need to be labeled with a disorder or are humans lovable and loving and adapt the best they can to what happens to them or what issues they face?

3. How is this therapist going to help me reach my goals? First look at your goals? Do you need someone to just listen to you and vent? Do you want homework in between session so that you can practice what you learn? Are you willing to do the work...noticing, journaling, exercises, trying new ways out, etc. telling the truth, coming even when it's hard? Is the therapist willing to let you know a path or plan that will get you to feeling better or resolving the issue that brought you in?

4. Does the therapist equip you with the skills to become better self soothers/regulators? Does he or she help you become independent over time or do they encourage a dependence on the therapist. Of course, there will be a dependence in the beginning because a safe attachment needs to be built so that trust and connection develop, but with the goal that there will be an end.

5. Has the therapist done their own therapy? If so, how long?

6. It's OK to ask questions like, are you married? are you a parent? what clients have you helped?

7. It also needs to be OK, or the therapist can invite the client to say, "I'm not ready for that" " I don't like to journal" and be a co creator of their therapy.

8. Can your therapist handle big emotions? Is it safe for you to cry, get angry, etc?

9. Does your counselor have a master's degree? Anyone can call themselves a counselor or coach. Only someone schooled with a Master's Degree either licensed or on their way to licensed can call themselves a psychotherapist, Marriage Family Therapist.

Proverbs 12:15 Seek Wise Counsel....

Nancy Ryan, M.A.

Marriage Family Therapist Intern

Supervised by Phil Stahr, MFC

530-320-3384

www.nancyryantherapy.com

Footnotes From The Front Porch

Why See A Counselor?

I have noticed that when I share my journey with others about counseling, there is a typical response and it goes like this. “That is good for you but not for me.”

I have also noticed that there is this false belief that people of faith should be able to resolve their issues on their own, “just me and God.” There are also those who believe that talking with a counselor is as good as talking with a friend.

This is not necessarily true. It is time for us as a society to come to grips with the fact that our mental health is as important as our physical health. A counselor can be a valuable resource when you are trying to make sense of mental, emotional or relational difficulties.

Mental health is integral to physical health: it is impossible to separate our physical selves from our mental and emotional selves. The healthier you are mentally and emotionally, the more likely you are to recover from or cope with physical problems.

A counselor is less biased than your friends and family members. The problems with seeking advice from friends and family members is that they are often personally invested at some level in your behavior and the decisions you make. They may suggest you make choices that make them more comfortable, regardless of whether those are the best choices for you.

Once you enter into therapy, a positive, trusting therapeutic relationship with the counselor must be developed in order for the process to help you. But the counselor has a responsibility to prevent his/her own interests from interfering with yours.

Here is the good news. Counseling does not last forever. Typically a client meets with the therapist once a week for a little less than an hour, although any mutually agreed-upon schedule is possible. Once your therapist has talked with you enough to gather a relatively complete personal history and has determined with you the goals for your therapy, he or she should be able to give you a sense of whether you can expect the process to take weeks, months, or in some cases, years. But the counselor has some therapeutic tools or strategies that can help you achieve positive results in less time than you might expect.

Any good counselor will always be aiming at maintaining or increasing your level of autonomy (your ability to make your own decisions and take responsibility for your own actions). It would be unethical for any counselor to try to manipulate or control you. You set your own goals (in consultation with the therapist), you have the right to refuse any particular strategy or activity that the counselor might propose, to seek a second opinion at any time, and to end counseling whenever you please. However, it is advisable to talk to the counselor about any of these decisions before making them.

A counselor can help you find the resources you need to resolve your problems. A counselor is aware of community resources that may help you reach your goals. He/she may also be able to help you become more aware of and more able to effectively use your own internal and external strengths and resources. These may include, among other things, your own personality traits, skills, spirituality and values as well as supportive friends, family members and groups you belong to.

Most importantly, licensed and/or Certified Counselors are well trained. Check the credentials of your prospective counselor.

Proverbs 12:15 Seek Wise Counsel....

Name Calling

I did not realize how much I missed hearing my name called out in the grocery store until this morning. “Cris, Cris Nole!” The sound of a somewhat familiar voice came from behind me. A hug to my heart as my new friend greeted me with a warm hello.

Coming from a community where I lived for almost 17 years, going to the store without running into someone I knew was virtually impossible. I learned about ten years into being a resident of my last community that it was important for me to leave extra time to visit with people in the market, gas station, parks and sidewalks. These connections gave me the sense of belonging that every human being longs for.

Needless to say, yesterday when I heard my voice floating through the air at the local super market, I felt like I was at home for the first time since moving to our new community. It had been over three months since I ran into someone I knew. It has been lonely at times, standing in line with my groceries and not recognizing a single soul.

Hear me out. It is not that I have this need to hear my name as much as the need to connect into community. I love people, strangers are just friends I have not met yet. This is why leaving my life, as I knew it after all these years was not easy.

However, I am able to celebrate a new chapter in my life, all because someone called my name out loud. I am looking forward to hearing my name more in the middle of the market, at the mailbox and on the sidewalks. When I hear my name, I will know that I am connecting more into my new community.

Cris

I Can.....

Just because I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength does not mean I should.

Just for today, instead of trying to do all things, I am choosing to do one thing and one thing well.

Just for today I will choose to be kind to all of humanity, starting with myself, my family, community and beyond.

"I Can Do All Things Through Christ Who Strengthens Me"

Philippians 4:13

But by faith I will focus on one thing.

Hold On

Philippians 3:16

Hold on tight to the progress you have made.

Pastor Paul

Dear fellow travelers, greetings from the front porch. Can hear them now? The teachers from the past, whispering in our moments. Do not worry, do not worry, do not worry. Progress; hold on tight to your progress. Learn from the lessons along the way. God has given us the courage to face today.

Do not look any farther then this moment. He will walk with us. He will be with us. Being still, quieting our soul, those actions will bring us peace. Remember, I AM with you, regardless of how we feel.

Crisis, victory, trauma, success they are all part of your path. Eyes wide open. What do we see? Look beyond the practical, look beyond your possessions.

Broken beautiful people all around us. Continue to show up and just be you. I AM enough. Stand tall, walk in truth.

I AM love. Gentleness and kindness to all of humanity is a lofty goal but a good one.

Like the wind, HE will send us here and there. Go in peace. Fly. Be free. This is our time. Walk in complete confidence. We are never alone. If we seek HIM, we will find HIM.

This is our moment. Reflect, look back, taste all HE has done. Our life gives hope to all who see.

Redemption, recovery, restoration. Continue to put one foot in front of the other. His love will light the way. We are not alone. Love well. Let go and see. Remember the progress we have made.

Do you ever send yourself back to the starting line?
How do you remember the progress you have made?
How can others encourage you to continue to run the race set before each of us?

Praying for you my blogging friends and looking forward to opening season of the Folsom Front Porch.

CCCo

Chap Cris

Slow Simple Small

Slow, simple small. I am slipping back into these three s's since returning to my school schedule of being taxi driver, task keeper, homemaker and wife. As a professed rabbit by birth, I traded my lucky rabbit’s foot in years ago for a turtle shell. Leading me into slowing down, sitting in the simple and savoring the small.

"How do you do it?" A friend asked as we sat on my front porch. I explained to her that I have not always lived like the turtle. I actually use to take pride in my to do's and loved seeing my calendar filled and checking off my accomplishments. When face book came out, wow, just another way for me to pat myself on the back with updates and statuses.

I shared with my friend how I was being groomed to be more and do more for God in the world of recovery. A world where I had found freedom from my past addiction to not only substances but performance. How ironic then was it that I was being groomed for such a task?

The problem with that kind of grooming was it was preparing me for relapsing back into a victim mentality and sending me back to a prison no one could see, this time the bars would be my to do’s created by a culture of have more, do more be more.

I was being commended for my works and lifted up on an invisible pedestal as calls were coming in weekly for me to speak, teach and train others. The roar of the crowd was intoxicating and the apparent acceptance of even strangers gave me a temporary high. My whole life I had suffered from the disease of " not enough." Now, I was the person people were calling on and it felt good.

The only problem with buying into this behavior was that I started to believe what others were saying about me. Treating me as if I had more value, better gifts and a direct line to the creator of us all.

I started noticing a shift in relationships as people started to rely on me for their truth and my silence was not good enough. People would feel rejected when I did not spend time with them and made references to me being to busy. Yet, I was only doing what they all had encouraged me to do.

Finally I put a stop to it all. I could not continue on the journey of recovery and buy into the busyness that I was being groomed to live, all in the name of the call and all at the cost of those I loved the most.

At a deeper level I understood that my success, recognition and approval of others could not dictate my worth and value. Though the longer I was living in the ball of busyness bouncing around from here to there, I started to believe the lie that my worth and value were based on my being busy.

I had to put the brakes on, breathing had become difficult and my schedule beyond full. I looked around at my life and had to make a decision. I finally decided what I valued most and let go of what others were telling me to value, even at the cost of my reputation. I realized I no longer could live out what others believed me to be.

That is when I stepped into the slow, simple, small moments of my ordinary mundane life and watched while God did an amazingly extraordinary work in my heart and soul. Through excepting the slow, simple, small belief, I was given a new set of eyes. I could finally see why being still allowed us to know God. I finally saw why simple was powerful and profound, God uses just that to confound the wise. I finally saw why the abundance is found in the small added up.

All of a sudden for the first time in my life as I sat in the slow, simple, small moments I felt like I was enough. For the first time in my life as I sat in the ordinary pockets of my day I believed that I was brave, bold and beautiful.

I challenge you my readers, if you have ended up at this post at this time to know that it is not by accident. Embrace the slow, simple, small moments of life. When you add them all up, the result is abundant living, the kind that Jesus spoke of and the reason He came.

Chaplain Cris

“Living In The Moment”

If Walls Could Talk

Dear New Family,

Welcome to your new home. If these walls could talk they would tell you many stories. They would start on a spring day in 1996 when a couple with two daughters one nine and the other five-months.

My family and I moved into this home after my husband and I had been married for almost three years. We found out we were expecting our son when our youngest daughter turned one. A surprise to say the least. However, a blessing in disguise.

These walls would tell you of a man who found his faith right in the middle of his struggle. When our son decided to come into this world two months early, I had been the only one going to church, taking our daughters every week. My husband would tell me “that God stuff is fine for you but leave me out of it.”

God used the early arrival of our boy to catch my husband’s attention. When he finally came to faith, he embraced it with all his heart and soul.

These walls would tell you of a woman who spent the first half of her life under this roof crying, hiding and wondering if there was a purpose to all her pain. These walls would tell you how on a late fall night God met her like He met her husband. The walls would tell you how a woman who came to the end of herself found the beginging of her Creator and a powerful testimony unfolded.

These walls would tell you of a man who loved enough to let a woman go, faith in God to bring her back. The walls would tell you of a family who fought their way back from broken places and pieces to healing and wholeness.

These walls would tell you of a family who held tight to their faith and believed in His truth that two are better than one and a greater return is what they experienced when they chose to fold not just into their family but also their community.

Almost seventeen years have come and gone since our family moved in to 8101 Golden Vista Way, little did we know back then how hard it would be to leave.

From the friends who are like family living in front behind to the left and to the right.

Please know that this place was much more then a house it was a home. Love kept it standing and faith kept it growing.

The front porch is a representation of our faith in an outwardly expression. It progressed over time, not always looking so inviting but as we grew so did the porch.

We pray that you find love, hope and peace as you fold into making memories and embracing the community, one front porch experience at a time.

Cris Nole