I will love you in my silence!



Greetings from The Front Porch!

The conversation over the phone ended with me simply saying, “I will love you in my silence.” My heart broke for my sweet precious friend on the other end of the line, for her pain and her struggle were not new to her or to me.

 

A conversation many years ago came floating to my mind as I hung up the phone with one friend I remembered what this older friend had said to me.

 

I was all of twenty at the time with no filtering system for my mouth. I listened but did not learn, to young and ignorant to understand the warning. She said “salt your words carefully; you just might have to eat them one day.”

 

Of course, that one day has come many times over in the last several decades and I have come to love and appreciate the words of wisdom that had been imparted on me so many years ago.

 

This morning I found myself chewing on my own words once again, as I heard the conversation in my head from the day before. I had encouraged my sweet friend to take care of herself first so she could be there for others.  Everything in me in that moment wanted to put my life on hold to rescue her and save her from her struggle.  Salty words, such a reminder of taking my own advice.

 

Her fear of others feeling like she was going to reject them kept her in a place of spiritual dehydration and her soul was becoming malnourished. She was giving into manipulation and deception.

 

I recognize these signs because I lived most of my life caring more for others then myself. I believed that true spirituality came from giving to others without any regards to my own personal needs.

 

This false belief system kept me from experiencing true healing and wholeness that the cross of Christ offers to us when we fully surrender to HIS plan and purpose for our lives.

 

How can I surrender my life over to HIM if I am to busy and too concerned about others and their needs? How will I learn to hear his still quiet voice if I do not take the time to be still?

 

The truth was I cared more about what others thought about me then of what I thought about myself. I cared more about feeling needed and looking useful in the eyes of others rather then in the eyes of HE who created me.

 

I found value in being there for others when they could not be there for themselves. I would come in and become their personal saviors doing for them what they should have been doing for themselves. I would rob them of the very thing God created them to be and that was to live fully in their pain and victories.

 
As someone who has a background of addiction, deception and rejection it is hard for me to step away from unhealthy behavior of someone else. I feel like I am making a judgment call against them and their struggle rather then acting in the best interest of my own spiritual well being.

 
When in fact, putting all feelings aside, the reason I must step away from certain unhealthy patterns in others is that the spirit of pride has away of creeping in and rearing its ugly head.

 

The spirit of pride prowls around and stocks me, watching every move I make wondering if this might be the moment, I think I have all the answers, will this be the moment that “she slips back into old behavior of rescuing and saving?”

 

It is a very dangerous place for me to be thinking that I could be someone else’s savior. Oh, I would never say that to their face but I would think in my heart and act it out in my conversations and directions. I would dress up my words to make them sound spiritual and not even realize I had done it until it was too late.

 

I learned years ago that if I could see my own spirituality it was not really spirituality at all but rather pride just dressed to impress and that I needed to make changes. That I needed to step away from the behavior and back into the truth.

 

Below are just a few quotes I found to help be remember what I believe to be true about the spirit of pride and the danger of allowing it to live actively in my life. I read, repeat, listen, and learn to others who have gone before me.

 
  • Pride and grace never dwell in one place.
  • Pride blossoms, but bears no fruit.  
  • Pride brings loss, humility brings increase.
  • Pride feels no pain.
  • Pride goes before a fall.
Prayer and silence seem so passives yet they are the greatest gift we can give to one another when it comes to spiritual warfare. Today I choose to love through my silence and use prayer as my protection.

Because I love you, I will not do for you what I know you can do for yourself. I will point you back to the
only one who can free you from the insanity of our sinful nature. I hope you will do the same for me.
 
 
Cris

3 comments:

Dawn Porter said...

Thx Cris! What a great encouragement to my heart today. Love you sister :)

epaphroditus said...

SILENCE IN THE NIGHT

I’m restless as I listen to the train
Skirting through the night slowly
Sounds that trouble a heart in pain
As I look back in time of you and me.

While the world sleeps – and perhaps
Somewhere there is a sad heart as mine
Hidden behind the hurts and mishaps
Of a love lost in the shadows of time.
Silence in the night, sounds of a train,
Cries of a whistle, that echoes my pain!

The paths I’ve taken as I lie so quiet,
As the sounds head for the open plain;
Choices I made were not always right,
But tomorrow there will be another train.

Epaphroditus© March 15, 2009

Cris Nole said...

Dawn, thank you for the note! Can't wait to hear how your move goes!

Love you

Cris